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A Brief History
The best way to start this out, I guess, is to give you a brief history of my mental and physical state. It is
through all of this that I think I developed Hodgkin's Disease, a disease with no known causes.
As a kid, I had your typical problems. Except migraines. I remember watching The Munsters, laying on the
couch, not being able to lift my head. They were worse than the migraines I get now. Growing up, I never drank
water. Well, unless you count the water fountain at school a few times a day...and God only knows how often those were
cleaned. In high school, I had problems staying awake. It affected my grades very much. I think I got a
40 on a book report. Yes, me, Miss English got a 40. I couldn't stay awake to read the book by the deadline.
I mean, I know Portrait of a Lady is no thriller, but I love to read! I remember going to the doctor quite a bit, but
for what I don't recall. Only one visit do I remember. At the visit, the doctor told me she thought I had clinical
depression. I remember feeling relieved. Like finally I would feel normal and my life would change. But
there was no follow up to that visit. I also had bad acne.
| Me at 15....covered up zits and all. |
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I was pretty good with make-up, but it's frustrating to have huge painful zits on your face and no make up is that
good. After trying a few products, I went on Accutane for 2 cycles. Every month I had to go for blood work to
make sure my organs weren't being damaged by it. My face cleared up quite well. When I was 17, I was going to
start working at Weis, so I had to go for a physical as all minors do. This is when I found out I was very dehydrated.
The doctor said I had barely any wet cells in my very bright yellow urine. All he said was that I had to start
drinking water. I HATED water. He didn't give me any consequences for not drinking water, so feeling young and invincible,
I didn't start.
So, life was pretty basic for a while. Very average. When I started working at Wal-Mart in 1997, I began
having problems again. I always had minor ones here and there, but now they were developing. I was always getting
dizzy, which I now know was the dehydration. I was always extremely tired. There were quite a few times that I
went home just from feeling ill for no apparent reason. I got promoted in November of '98. One month after
that, I was on a leave of absence. I was having heart palpitations and dizziness, which caused me to feel very
ill. Every time I went to the clinic I was pawned off on different doctors and had to explain my situation every time.
They were convinced I was having panic attacks. I never had any of the feelings associated with panic attacks, just
the physical symptoms. Still, they probably felt I was lying because tests showed nothing else. So from there
I went into partial hospitalization. I drove to group therapy every day and if nothing else, I came out of it feeling
much more capable to do my job. I also came out with a deeper understanding of how I grew up. I was out for a
month and I had to go back or I would lose my promotion. I think the month off really helped me out physically.
In January of '99, I was back at work. I was still having palpitations and dizziness, though not as badly as before.
Months passed. One day, I was in the fixture room at work getting bars to hang purses on in Accessories. I just
didn't feel right. So, I walked down the hall and sat at the computers outside of claims. Damian was in claims,
so I had to go in and make fun of him. We didn't like each other all that much back then. Then I think I must
have paled or something because even Damian noticed something was wrong. I said I'd be fine and I just had to sit down
a little while and it would pass. Then Bonnie and Anna Mae, the softlines processors, came down the hall and stayed
with me. I think I started breathing very heavily. I was getting upset and that was making it worse. Then
Dan, our co-manager, came back and held my hand while Bonnie and Anna Mae kept me upright in my chair. I was starting
to pass out. Damian went to call an ambulance even though I said not to. I was sobbing and I couldn't see.
There was a huge crowd gathering in the back hall to see what was going on. Finally, the ambulance got there.
Bonnie and Anna Mae told them what was going on and then they asked me how fast my pulse usually gets. I told them 116
was as high as it got. My pulse was about 245. They couldn't get a blood pressure. My pulse dropped in the
ambulance while I did a few techniques they coached me on. But, THANKFULLY, the entire thing was recorded on a machine.
No longer would they dismiss me with panic attacks. I had SVT, supraventricular tachycardia. My heart had an extra
natural pacemaker, making it go twice as fast as it should. So, I could either take medication for the rest of my life
or have a catheter ablation. I took the ablation. They inserted catheters into me and burned out the extra pacemaker.
Not long after that, I felt pretty good again.
Well, it lasted about 5 months. One morning, early December '99, I went to work and started 10 minutes early.
I went to the fitting room and sat on the floor to do a quick job when it hit me. There was the most sharp, intense
pain I had felt until that point. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move. I could hear the 3rd shift guys pulling
pallets off the floor 20 feet away from me and I tried yelling, but it came out a whisper. I knew another girl was in
already and tried yelling for her, but it was more whispers. I seriously thought I was going to die, the pain was that
bad. After a couple minutes, I could crawl. I made it to the bench outside the fitting room and finally got some
one's attention. I told them to call an ambulance, so you know it had to be bad! It turned out to be a kidney
stone. I was off work for the second consecutive Christmas. It was surgically blasted out in January of 2000.
They never tested it to see what it was made of or how it was formed.
Why do I think this led up to my cancer? Well, there are many causes for cancer. Cancer
is what happens when your body can't get rid of free radicals fast enough. Free radicals are mutant cells that everyone
carries. They are helped to grow from deep fried food, sadness, illness, a number of things. Most people's
bodies have good immune systems and they get rid of the free radicals. Not drinking enough water made my body ripe for
free radical growth, as did my poor eating habits, and my shotty immune system. Where did I learn all of this?
Not from the doctor. I learned it from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota, most especially the article You
Are What You Drink. Their newsletters changed my lifestyle greatly. http://www.mnwelldir.org
Hi, my name is Cancer, and your life will never be the same.
In January of 2001, I quit my job at Wal-Mart. I was miserable, sometimes drinking or taking a percoset after work.
There were so many problems there. I did my job so well, but sometimes you get managers that like to ride you and push
you. Well, we had that co-manager. To top it all off, he and the store manager were buddy-buddy. The ways
I incurred his wrath were so unbelievably stupid. I was treated like a 4 year old child. I loved what I did, but
I was ready for a nervous breakdown. I worked at Turkey Hill as a store manager trainee. I hated it. I often
worked over 10 hours a day and the manager was teaching me nothing. I began feeling a little ill while there from Feb.
14th to March 14th. The evil co-manager had left our store and I had applied at a different store. I ended up
back in the same store at the end of March. I was glad to be back and soon I was whipping racks around, setting ladieswear
to the spring guide. Problem was, my chest hurt pretty bad after doing it. I went to the doctor and he said it
was just a strained muscle from being less in shape. I started feeling sick once in a while again. On September
1st, I had to start working 3rd shift as a clothing processor. They changed jobs around, so Bonnie left and I was going to
take her place.
| I'm in the pink and white shirt.... |
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| not yet caring that I'm surrounded by smokers. |
I started night shift off with a bang- I had a wicked cold....and I mean wicked. I was coughing so hard
I had to cough over the trash can as saliva ran out of my mouth. Many times I coughed so hard I was dry heaving.
I also began losing my voice. I didn't take off though, because I didn't feel ill besides that. Then I was going
on a trip to New York on September 8th. I was coughing even worse and more. I had to get this heavy duty cough
medicine that NO ONE would take unless they absolutely had to. So, I went with my cough medicine, cough drops, thermos
of tea, and purse full of tissues. The day went pretty well. Until near the end when my joints really started
hurting and I was getting weak. This picture was taken at the end of the day and I was ready for bed. I made myself
sleep on the bus. I woke up about an hour or so before we got home with familiar cramps. GOD DAMNIT! I was
getting cramps on the bus, and if you don't know me...they are extremely severe. I ended up rocking back and forth,
crying, and biting a bottle. For you guys- imagine your worst diahrrea cramp times ten. I called off the next
night of work. They were pretty mad at me because we were getting our winter set in, so there were pallets of coats
to be processed and I was the only processor. The rest did me some good and I began feeling better. Monday night
I went to work and the next morning, Joey woke me up a little after 11. I wanted to kill him. He said, "You have
no idea what's going on, do you?" Of course I was like, huh? Well, it was September 11th, so you all know the
rest. I had just been there, so it was all very surreal.
Around this time, I had gone to the bank for a loan. I needed a way to pay off my credit card debt more effeciently.
I said no to the insurance you can get in case something happens to you. They sued me a couple months ago. Let
that be a lesson. Never think "it won't happen to me". A week after I got rid of my cold, it came back.
I went to the doctor again and he didn't think it was much. Just gave me some antibiotics and sent me off. In
October, I began sleeping more and eating less. Believe me, it showed. My clothes started hanging on me.
One night, I stopped in front of the mirror at the mens' fitting room and lifted up my pant leg. I was very upset to
see my already thin legs were getting thinner. It was getting to the point where I would sleep all day until 8 pm, get
a shower, do my hair, and sleep again until work at 10:30 pm. On Halloween, Joey, Keith and I went to see Alice Cooper
in concert. My joints hurt all day and Joey was walking half a block ahead of me because I couldn't keep up. At
the concert, I felt ill and knelt down to steady myself. Some fat asshole was leaning on me for over an hour, so that
when I moved my arm, he almost fell backwards. It was so bad up there that Keith and I went to the back and got drinks.
When we were going home, Joey drove and I told them I didn't care where we stayed- just find a place where I cuold eat and
go to sleep. I really didn't feel well. Joey drove too far and there was nowhere to stop, so they kept driving.
They stopped over to eat, but I was too tired to get up and I just wanted a bed. When we were nearing home, I made them
pull over so I could get out and throw up. I was so damn mad at them for not getting a place to stay.
I was calling off and leaving work more often now. The night manager had previously said he understood I had health
issues, but I guess he was under pressure to get things done at night, so I got coached (Wal-Mart term for in trouble).
He told me I had to stop calling off. I said I was sick and couldn't help it. I was so upset I ran to the back
to my bins and started crying. I already felt so bad about not feeling well and that made it worse. The other
manager came back and I cried to him about it, but it was their job they said. At this point, I had already woken several
nights crying because I was so exhausted and didn't want to get up. I told them I wanted off 3rd shift and they said
okay, as soon as I trained some one to take my place. I trained four different people. No one wanted the job because
it was too hard if you didn't know the floor.
Friday, November 16th, 2001 I woke up miserable as ever. My underarms hurt very badly. It was a sore, achy
feeling that had bothered me since March. The pain came and went...sometimes I had to hold my arms out as I drove because
the friction hurt. This night, I looked in the mirror. There were lumps under my arms. I called Joey in
to look at them and feel them. They were the size of golf balls. I called Tele-Nurse and they said I could go
to the ER or wait for my doctor on Monday. The lumps made me nervous, so I said I'd go to the ER. I still didn't
think it would be too serious, because I've always been plagued with problems. This trip was mainly for peace of mind.
I called up the night manager and joked that I'd be in later "as long as they say I don't have cancer." Can you
believe I said that? I went by myself because Joey was drunk and playing Madden or Street Fighter with JP.
Telling you this even now is hard. It's been almost exactly 2 years as I'm typing this, but I still feel so hurt-
like it's happening even now.
So, I get to the ER and they weighed me.....97 pounds. I had always been small, but I hadn't weighed so little
since puberty. Before that, I was happy at 115. I was a little upset about that. I got in to see the doctor
and showed him my lumps. He asked what else was wrong, so I layed it all out, blaming it on working 3rd shift as I told
him. He seemed perplexed so much that he called in the other doctor to look at me. They took a chest x-ray and
had me lay for a little bit. One doctor peeked in to tell me that they consulted with an oncologist and they thought
I had Hodgkin's Disease. That alarmed me, because I was pretty sure that was cancer, but not totally sure because of
the nonchalant way he told me. Surely people don't tell you you have cancer the same way they tell you you have an eye
infection? So I lay there worried for a little while longer. Then the first doctor came back in the room and confirmed
what the other said. I asked him what it was and he said cancer. My resolve shattered. Tears started leaking
out even though I tried to hold them in. I hate to cry in front of people, most of all strangers. He explained
that they knew it because of the tumors under my arms and, from the x-ray, a huge mass in my chest. I was crying and
he was sitting. When I calmed down, he told me I would have a 80 percent survival rate after 5 years. He also
called me off work for 3 nights. He offered to call someone to pick me up, but I just couldn't face anyone. It
was about 1am and I wasn't waking anyone up with that. I was leaving and the nice nurse that was with me before the
doctor cheerfully said, "Bye!" I sort of heard her, but didn't, and after a few seconds I half looked back and waved.
Once I was outside, I really let it out. All I could think in my head was, "I'm dying. I'm dying." I drove
myself home, crying the whole way. I didn't know what I was going to say to anyone. I mean, how do you tell some
one that? I was pulling into my alley thinking, What am I going to tell Joey? I am about to change his life.....
Will he hate me for it? I couldn't stop crying, thinking, I can't do this to him! I can't!
I'll never forget the moment I pulled in to park. I thought- No one knows yet. Everyone thinks everything
is okay and I'm going to have to tell them. I wanted to wait until morning to tell Joey, but at the same time I couldn't
keep it to myself. The bedroom door was locked, as it had been since September 11th whenever I wasn't home with him.
I knocked on the door and asked him if he was still drunk. He said he was so I told him to go back to bed. I said
I had something to tell him, but I didn't want to do it while he was drunk. Well, that woke him up, but I guess I wanted
him up anyway. We sat on the couch and I told him. I explained everything that the doctor said. It wasn't
for a little while that Joey finally understood what I was telling him. At 2:30 am, he called off work and told the
night manager he wouldn't be in that morning, that I had cancer. He had to tell him 3 times because he wouldn't believe
him. I told Joey to set the alarm for 7 so I could call my mom and tell her not to go to work. I didn't want anything
getting back to her there and told her I'd be down later to tell them all something.
You know what every single person thought was wrong? They thought I was pregnant. Everybody. How great
that would have been to be pregnant instead of having cancer.
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